A light in my darkness.
It takes a lot of time and bravery for me to write this, I didn’t want to share but I feel like sharing this will contribute a part to my healing.
I keep seeing people describing how they get through depression, but I rarely find people describing how they feel when they’re in depression. So this is me trying to describe how I feel…. everything that you love, foods, hobby, friends, the sweetness you felt surrounded by these become a bitter medicine, it’s more like you’re doing it just to survive. Things that keep you warm start to feel cold and unfamiliar. Connection with friends becomes questionable, trust is broken, you don’t feel like to share your stories because you think they have it too, and you think your bond is not strong enough, that they’re not strong enough to hold the weight you have. You start to feel like you’re pressured to do something that you used to described as your passion.
Food becomes tasteless.. your bright morning days become your worst time of self doubting yourself if you’re actually gonna do a shit for the day, you feel like your bed have a strong force, binding you and not letting you go to catch a breath. Everytime before you sleep you think your presence in this life doesn’t have a worth. and you wish to begone, your most comfortable place becomes the most vulnerable place you can imagine, closing your eyes becoming the scariest thing for you to do as you think the suicidal thoughts will come to you whenever darkness comes in. The only thing that helps you breathe is only music, you blast it off and hurts your ear just because you want to shove your emotions deep in the ground. Drugs and alcohol becomes the only thing that help you stay sane to the point where you think you physical health doesn’t matter to you anymore as you think that your mental health is way more important right now. “I love you” sounds like a demand. Dream becomes baggage.
But despite all these… the word “I’m here for you” becomes so much more valuable, hug brings you warmth and joy, compliments become a sweet treat, kindness from strangers brings you tears, and the moment you realize, no matter how bad it is, you’re still standing. You don’t even know how or when will you get out of this, but you’re definitely proud of yourself that you’re still standing and fight for your worthless life you think you have. I’m proud :)