A response to those who say I write too many love poems

I write love poems instead of suicide notes, I remind myself that I am capable of feeling more than hatred. I don’t give death a voice today. I don’t give sadness the breath it needs to speak. Write a poem about your eyes so that I won’t cry. Sometimes distraction is better than action.

I write a love poem instead of a list of things that can kill me. I don’t think about the knives or the cars or the water. I don’t think about the fucking water. I don’t think about becoming a ship lost at sea. I don’t think about drowning. I don’t think about the taste of the bath water in my mouth. I don’t think about it filling up my lungs and stealing my breath. If anything is going to take my breath away, I want it to be your smile.

I don’t care how stupid that sounds because instead of my own obituary, I write about you, or her, or him, I try to remember what the good feels like. I write poems filled with gooey words and I let them stick to me. I let all this fluffy illusion keep me warm until I am cold no longer. I write love poems even on the days my grief forms puddles at my feet like it’s the only thing I can step into, like it is the only thing I can find my reflection in.

I even wrote a love poem when you left me because I will always choose my heart breaking over my heart not beating, over me not existing. I think I would rather feel everything than nothing at all. This is not the easy choice because on too many days I am simply living despite myself. I never thought it would be this hard to just be alive. So I have to give myself something to live for. Maybe that’s cliche, but I think so far it has been working. See, I think most people on this earth deserve a love poem, deserve to be reminded of what the good feels like. I think most people never get their love poems so I’ll write them. Each one is survival.