I am/ I Am Not / I am

On days like this, days filled with doubt and longing and bellowing awkwardness, I take it upon myself to list every judgment I can muster: I am late, so late, I am messy, I am a mess. I am not good, I am not him nor her, I am not tidy or concise or practical, I am not sure what any of this is, actually. I am not a man nor a woman who has wavered and decided nothing. I am a person with time on their hands. I have stayed when I shouldn’t have stayed, and left when I shouldn’t have left. I missed it, I dropped it, I let it slip through my hands. I was selfish. I was busy. I was careless. I was caught up in a feeling, too caught up. I rushed it, the question, the conclusion, I blew right through the warnings and the exits and any fighting chance. I could have been, but I wasn’t, I am not. I am him, I am her, I am them, and I am not all of that at the same time. I am this. I am here. I am here right now. I am all the things I have witnessed and carried, all the things I decided to put down. I am the sum of every yes and every no I have said, every time I’ve dug myself into the ground. I am everything I’ve tried and am trying. I am still trying. I am dizzy and awake and tired. I am yet to become so many other things. I am willing. I am open. I would like to find out what happens. I will keep calling out my name and find myself again