i wish i could still update you about the little things

I’d like to think I’m over you, because today when someone I haven’t spoken to in a while asked me how’s life going for me, I told him that I feel a lot better since we last spoke (which is a significant improvement, since I was literally going through a depressive existential crisis at the time in which he witnessed).

Tell me why I immediately thought of telling you about it when he texted. I wanted to hit my head against the wall after that because it seems my brain programming is still broken, and it’s STILL stuck on its default setting: you.

I could imagine what you’d say to me if I were to tell you about this. We’d have a good laugh about it and you’d probably tell me “told you so” just to spite me.

I’ve found plenty of friends to share my thoughts and feelings with after we stopped talking, but I still can’t seem to find anyone that I’m willing to share about the thousand of banal nothings that occur in my everyday life.

I don’t want to bore anyone with why I’m craving açai bowls at 3ish in the afternoon, or the fact my lunch tasted really good today, or how I saw a really pretty wild flower on my way to work today.

I don’t think it’s worth the effort to even begin to explain to my other friends about my deepest fears, desires and dreams, because no one seemed to be able to give me the attention you did back then.

Even if it’s something stupid like how I’m currently obsessed with a particular song, you’d listen and look at me as if I’ve just discovered the meaning of life. You made every single nothings I’ve mentioned to you glimmer like rare gems upon your review, and you always knew just the right thing to say to me.

Back when I was still adamant to save the complicated relationship we had, I used to save up snippets of random things I wished to update you about when we do speak again.

I stopped accumulating small nothings because it was getting too much and we still don’t talk. I started only accumulating major life updates to inform you about if I do bump into you and if you ask me “how’s life going?”

You never did ask, and I never volunteered that information.

I distinctly remember that months ago, we were having a meal as a group with our mutual friends, and there was an opportunity to share what’s been happening in my life lately as we went around sharing slivers of our lives.

It was then that I realised that you’ve rendered me completely mute, and even given the opportunity, we’ve drifted so apart from one another that I no longer want to share anything with you anymore.

I’ve adapated and learnt to just deal with everything by myself, from major life events to stupid everyday things.

I’ve long since accepted that we’re not meant to be in one another’s lives anymore and that our story has ended, but it doesn’t take away the tightness I feel in my chest that happens to me whenever I think of simultaneously everything and nothing and realise that I can’t share them with you anymore.

I know that this feeling shall pass and that I’ll one day find someone to yap their ears off about my random thoughts, but for now I’ll just write and write and write. :)